For All Of This

"I want you to know that I miss you, I miss you so..."

Yeah, so about that one post, ignore it...a song sparked my memory that I thought I had long since gotten rid of. Apparently memories are a bit more resiliant then I thought. I removed the post, and it's not a problem anymore.

I'm pretty sure my heart has thrown up it's hands in surrender about this time. Poor thing, being pulled in a million different directions with nothing to go on if any particular one is better then the other must be pretty hard on it. No wonder it's been throbbing so much lately. Maybe if you're really lucky, I'll post exact details one day, or if you really want to know you can just ask me I suppose, I'll probably tell you. Suffice to say, 3 girls, 1 Josh, no idea what any are thinking (usually including myself). Sometimes I think they are thinking one thing, sometimes I have no idea at all. And I'm afraid to move on anything I'm feeling, because knowing my luck, I'll be completely wrong and just end up really hurt. But by not moving I could be potentially wasting something really great. See the problem? I the immovable object going up against 3 unstoppable forces. And I don't know which of the forces to exert all my energy on...so I try and keep this balance between all 3. Phone calls here, letters there, overnight stays here...all while secretely wishing one of them would just come out and tell me what the heck is going on.

OK, that's enough of that, it has to be or I'll type all night. So that sucks, but school is better this semester. I still need a job, not only for the money, but also for something to do to pass the time.

Aaron and I got a pretty killer song down. It's in a weird tuning, but it sounds really awesome. Words should be up here with the tab in a little while.

Shoutouts...haven't done this in awhile. Leave a comment if you actually read this and I missed you somehow...
Paki, Aaron, Ryan, Amanda, Tay, Bettina, Zach, Mindie, Amanda B, Steph, Mark, Amy, Aimy, Stephen, Liz, Monika...and that's enough. Like I said, leave a comment if I missed you.

That's all for now folks, keep it real.


Another lonely night in Galveston
And stars are coming out in waves
I miss my Miss America in Park Hotel
And I'm too stoned to call it a day
When everything you wanted
Seems to hide behind your eyes
And I'm locked in my hotel room
Turning over our goodbyes

I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Til' you can feel it

Another lonely night in Galveston
And water's moving through the sound
The blood is boiling in my veins
and the food I can't keep down
And I don't care if you don't love me
And I don't care if you won't change
I could live inside these shadows that I cast on you
If it meant that you would stay
And I'll be home before the morning comes
You won't have to be alone

I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Til' you can feel it
You don't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay

Oh love, I'm tangled up again
Oh love, when does this twisting end?
When does this twisting end?

I will write this down for you
So you can read this
I will hold my breath for you
Til' you can feel it
You won't have to see me this way
Cause this way I'm okay

I will write this down for you
So you can read it...

"Convince yourself that everything is alright...cause it already is..."

Oh man. It's Saturday, and there is absolutely nothing to do. Not good. So what do I do? Blog about my boredom. Of course.

Classes are pretty easy this semester. My logic prof is quite a character. I'm sure I'll be posting about him many times this semester. Just picture Albert Einstein, A.D.D., and with a fascination for the game "Alpha Centurai" and you've got him. Crazy man, and pretty darn illogical for being a logic professor...but oh well. At least he doesn't fall off the stage like my Government prof does...

Status report time:

Class: boring, but easy.

Roomate: coolest man in the world.

Paki: still hairy.

Job: no, not yet...hopefully very soon...

Girls: still heart bendingly confusing...

Life: see above.

There you go. Happy lunar new year to all, and to all a good night.


Carve your heart out yourself
Hopelessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times?

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh Lord, now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Treating me like I'm already gone
But I'm not, I will stay where you are always
I will stay

There's no one in town I know
You gave me some place to go
I never said thank you for that
I thought I might get one more chance
What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friend
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friend
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friend
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

On sleepless roads the sleepless go

May angels lead you in...

"Should I go back? I feel alone and tired..."

And I'm back in Galveston...much to my chagrin. Today was the first day of classes, they all seem pretty easy, grades shouldn't be a huge problem at least.

But I have to get a job. Suck.

Sorry about all the emotional rantings as of late. But sadly, I can't tell you when they're gonna stop. I'm still thinking over a whole lot of things, and there's just no time to sit down and let this all go through me. So, advanced apologies for the song(s) to follow.

That's all for now. Everybody have fun now.



Just give me a call when you feel better
But you never do and I'm just another debtor
To some palm reader
Whose got her hands mixed up

Palm reader's breath smells of brandy and cigarettes
As she sells me and sweet forgets
She needs something to get her through
She runs a scam like me and you
Yeah me and you

Freud said that love was a good psychosis
But I don't know, I've had too many doses
He's a creep and we all know that
He probably made it up

Believe in me and this lie
Tell me everything will be all right
Cause it's so good to believe
But don't turn my hope into a weapon

I kept your sweater till the scent was gone
Wrapped up in my hands when the days were long
But I'm still sniffing
I walk alone in the concrete with the living
Where pigeons fly till they gather round the fallen ones
They don't know why
Neither do I...

Believe in me and this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
We could turn it all around in a night
You and I
Yeah it's so good
But you turn my hope into a weapon
Yeah you turn my hope into a weapon

There's no one to trust except maybe the two of us
But that's in the past
The place where I'm living is haunting broken dreams
I read the horoscopes in magazines
Especially yours in the sign of the Leo
The regal ones but man you let your claws show
Oh it's so slow, when will they let me go
Let me go

Believe in me and this lie
Tell me everything will be alright
Cause it's so good to believe
We could turn it all around in a night
You and I
Yeah it's so good
But you turn my hope into a weapon
Yeah you turn my hope into a weapon...

*If someday for some reason you need me, you know right where I'll be*


Could you believe it
Those sapphire eyes
The brilliant girl with the famous thighs
Then the cameras click and we are stars
Laughing in the back of chauffeured cars
Phone call rings and your voice is desire
Then winter moves into summer fires
I promised you what's ours is ours
Somewhere backstage with Sean and Lars

I go crazy when you walk in the room
I laugh at myself with the girl in bloom
The taste of sex couldn't be too soon
All afternoon
LA parties in the phony lands
Phony grabs with the manicured hands
I always thought you were pretty like a whip
Should have watched my step

Cause I keep on forgetting myself
And I keep on forgetting myself
Who am I? We both don't know
Time ticks by, where did you go?

You always knew
Where you were going to
So sweetly you said
Please come with you
The biggest fear running thru my head
Was that when you said you loved me you meant what you said
I was floating, did it go to my head
We always slept with the dogs on the bed
All the parties and the vodka fizz
This is not my life or maybe it is

I keep on forgetting myself
And I keep on forgetting myself
Who am I? We both don't know
Time ticks by, where did you go

I made you doubt me
You're better off without me

Think I am looking over your shoulder
Cause there's someone else and you're feeling older
You're crazy and you never faded
I don't want to be so complicated
See my life come undone
Watch it go and let the damage run
I'd change the song now if I could
In the slickness of your blood

I keep on forgetting myself
And I keep on forgetting myself
Whose that guy? I don't know
Where did you go?

"Can we get the chemicals in? Cause' anything's better then this..."

And the days drone on...and on...and on. I'm going back to Galveston in 2 days, and sadly, I'm kinda looking forward to it. This break wasn't exactly what I was expecting it to be. I expected to hang out with all my friends from high school, and sit around and reminisce about the good old times, and go to people houses, tell people I miss them and wish they were still around...Monika, Ryan, Jamie, Ashley, Zach, Amy, Kristen, Steph, Manders, Mark, Amanda B...friends of mine who I miss alot. Some of them I miss just screwing around and having a good time with, others I miss talking to them about alot of things. And people like Taylor and Bettina who I see often enough during the year, it just never seems like enough time.

You know what's weird? Emotions...they're so...emotional. Especially when it comes to the opposite sex. And now I'm dealing with a brand new type on that front...emotions that are really strong, but that b/c of who they're for and the whole situation, they can't be acted on (well, they can..are fairly often honestly...but it's not really right). So much going through my heart right now, I don't know what's right. And I just have this fear that if I tell some of these people how I'm feeling, they'll just run away (girls can get a little weird like that it seems). *sigh*


10 Days Late
by Third Eye Blind

Click your heels and feel you come for me
Care free, she's got something big to tell me

At the ocean, talk back at the ocean

There's no simple way to let you know
Funny how she always cried out daddy

I got a big surprise
She said, "I'm in trouble now and it cannot wait"
She's ten days late
Boy your life got complicated
Well I can't wait to see this through
She's ten days late

Low ride bicycles go cruising by
I laugh, I don't even know why

Talk back at the ocean

Consequence and ozone catch a glow
Oh no baby, oh no no no

Give me a minute now to figure out my state
Oh I know she's ten days late
And I don't know where to take it
But it's still great knowing you
She's ten days late
Ten days late

Time has come for you to choose
Many blessings come to you
Your eyes looked at me for what to do
I can't lie, I don't know

At the ocean, talk back at the ocean

No one's laughing now what do I say
I walk away
No don't go

At the ocean, talk back at the ocean

Give me a minute now to figure out my state
She's ten days late
And I'm never going to fade it
I guess I'll always be knowing you

Crawl up, the bedpost...

Well...instead of a post about how I'm feeling about things right now that will probably give more questions then answers, I'll just go ahead and let this song speak for me.


Stare at the Sun
by Thrice

I sit here clutching useless lists
And keys for doors that don't exist
I crack my teeth on pearls
I tear into the history
Just show me what it means to me in this world
Yeah in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
'Til I understand or go blind

I see the parts but not the whole
I study saints and scholars both
No perfect plan unfurls
Do I trust my heart or just my mind
Why is truth so hard to find in this world
Yeah in this world

'Cause I am due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes
'Til I understand or go blind

I know that there's a point I've missed
A shrine or stone I haven't kissed
A scar that never graced my wrist
A mirror that hasn't met my fist
But I can't help feeling

Like I'm due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign
I'll stare straight into the sun
And I won't close my eyes...

And the winner's are:

OK, so I'm gonna copy Manders and do the top 100 favorite songs. These are in no particular order, and there is probably about 500 more I could put on this list, but we'll just go ahead and say these are the 100 best.

1. "Motorcycle Drive-by" by Third Eye Blind
2. "Flavor of the Weak" by American Hi-Fi
3. "Miss America" by Something Corporate
4. "I Miss You" by Incubus
5. "Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows
6. "(Taking My) Life Away" by Default
7. "Stare at the Sun" by Thrice
8. "Best of Me" by The Starting Line
9. "Drama Summer" by The Starting Line
10. "Until the Day I Die" by Story of the Year
11. "August in Bethany" by Juliana Theory
12. "The Brilliant Dance" by Dashboard Confessional
13. "Glass to the Arson" by Anberlin
14. "I'm Lost Without You" by Blink-182
15. "Watch the World" by Boxcar Racer
16. "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" by Brand New
17. "Play Crack the Sky" by Brand New
18. "Me vs. Maradona vs. Elvis" by Brand New
19. "One Lonely Visitor" by Chevelle
20. "Take It Easy" by The Eagles
21. "Hotel California" by The Eagles
22. "Here's To Tonight" by Eve6
23. "Ender" by Finch
24. "What It Is To Burn" by Finch
25. "Letters to You" by Finch
26. "Accident Sex" by Vendetta Red
27. "I Want to Save You" by Something Corporate
28. "With or Without You" by U2
29. "God of Wine" by Third Eye Blind
30. "Agnus Dei" by Third Day
31. "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay
32. "Hand" by Jars of Clay
33. "Blue and Yellow" by The Used
34. "I Want to Hear You Sad" by Early November
35. "The Greatest Fall" by Matchbook Romance
36. "The Saddest Song" by The Ataris
37. "Takeoffs and Landings" by The Ataris
38. "Faster" by Third Eye Blind
39. "Cute Without the 'E' (Cut From the Team)" by Taking Back Sunday
40. "Your Own Disaster" by Taking Back Sunday
41. "Existentialism on Prom Night" by Straylight Run
42. "As You Sleep" by Something Corporate
43. "Perfect" by Simple Plan
44. "For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K
45. "For Nancy" by Pete Yorn
46. "Innocent" by Our Lady Peace
47. "I Walk Alone" by Oleander
48. "Everlong" by Foo Fighters
49. "The Unforgiven" by Metallica
50. "Moby Dick" by Led Zeppelin
51. "Fool In the Rain" by Led Zeppelin
52. "You Always Say Goodnight" by Juliana Theory
53. "White Days" by Juliana Theory
54. "Gira Con Me" by Josh Groban
55. "On Legendary" by Further Seems Forever
56. "New Year's Project" by Further Seems Forever
57. "Rainy Day" by Guster
58. "Your House" by Jimmy Eat World
59. "For Me This Is Heaven" by Jimmy Eat World
60. "I Miss You" by Blink-182
61. "Orange Blossom" by The Rocking Horse Winner
62. "A Goodnight's Sleep" by The Starting Line
63. "Leaving" by The Starting Line
64. "Forget December" by Something Corporate
65. "Globes and Maps" by Something Corporate
66. "Take My Life" by Third Day
67. "Nothing Compares" by Third Day
68. "Meant To Live" by Switchfoot
69. "Sic Transit Gloria (Glory Fades)" by Brand New
70. "40" by U2
71. "Shallow" by Unwritten Law
72. "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet
73. "Piece of Glass" by Caedmons Call
74. "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers
75. "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer
76. "Rough Draft" by Yellowcard
77. "The Fine Line" by Wayne Watson
78. "Blinded (When I See You)" by Third Eye Blind
79. "You're So Last Summer" by Taking Back Sunday
80. "Regarding Present Fears" by Splendour Hyaline
81. "Delirium Trigger" by Coheed and Cambria
82. "International You Day" by No Use For a Name
83. "My December" by Linkin Park
84. "Everything" by Lifehouse
85. "Hanging By a Moment" by Lifehouse
86. "She's So High" by Tal Bachman
87. "Closing Time" by Semisonic
88. "Dust In the Wind" by Kansas
89. "Love Song for a Savior" by Jars of Clay
90. "My Immortal" by Evanescence
91. "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional
92. "If I Stand" by Rich Mullins
93. "Going Away To College" by Blink-182
94. "Brick" by Ben Folds Five
95. "Beautiful Addiction" by Audiovent
96. "Epiphany" by Staind
97. "Good Man" by Third Eye Blind
98. "The Background" by Third Eye Blind
99. "How To Start a Fire" by Further Seems Forever
100. "Konstantine" by Something Corporate

There you go. Like I said, there could be alot more, but that's a pretty good list I think. Enjoy.

"Still I come for you tonight. Choke my faith, stab my pride. Tell myself that this is the last time I'll bleed for you..."

It's the same old story
She smiled at me, but she seems nervous
I'm falling and she's watching
I wish she would say something
While I stare into the exit sign
And slowly fade away
I know she remembers just like me
But she doesn't seem to care
And I can't let her go
Let her go
And I am a fool...


Yay for spontaneous emo.

After that happy little bit, not much is going on these days. I like being home, and honestly, since it's Galveston, I really don't want to go back to school. But such is life I suppose.

Saw "Return of the King" again. Dang, it's even longer the second time...

Stephen and I decided, I need a girlfriend. Apply within.

I still haven't seen all that many people from my class since being home from the break. I miss alot of y'all, kinda wish I had more time.

Mindie is coming back later this month, she's coming down to visit me for a couple days ;) I'ma happy.

So this post didn't amount to much, but I felt the need to update and spontaneously vent. Thanks for your time, catch ya on the flip side.

Good Man
by Third Eye Blind

If you ever find a way to forgive me
If you ever find a way to put this all to rest
Because I am hanging on your dress now like a little boy
When all that you wanted
Was a good man

Right in the middle of another big fight
Boom back another one tonight
Blood never forgets but who protects the memories
Of when we bleed each other from the vein

And if you ever find a way to make this interesting
If I ever find a way to stop disintegrating
Into pieces that I was, that you destroyed
When all that you wanted
Was a good man

Right in the middle of another big fight
Go to bed it's getting light out
Why do you always find me in the places when I'm coming down?

And how do you do it, when I'm overwhelmed by a violet sky
And we fly in decayed orbit, 66 thousand miles an hour goes by
When we kissed, and only now do I feel your mouth
Like an ache you never knew
And it was right in front of you

How do you do it, roots in the soil untangled
Releasing in sweet summer oil still I recoil like mace
In all the little moments I pushed you away that I can't erase
Cause every moment overflows with power, 66 thousand miles an hour

If you ever find a way to forgive me
If you ever find a way to put this all to rest
Because I am hanging on your dress now like a little boy
When all that you wanted
Was a good man

All that you wanted
Was a good man...

"Your hands didn't move, but neither did mine. New years will bring me to you..."

Yes, well, about the lack of updates. I apologize. Christmas came and I was fairly busy, and then the day after Christmas I began working at a fireworks stand, where for 5 days I was without a computer. Terribly sorry, I'll try and be better about it.

So, how was everyones New Years? Mine was pretty crazy cool actually. I don't really want to expand upon it here too much...just read the title heading, that's from a song called "New Year's Project" by Further Seems Forever, and I'd say it just about sums it all up. But I might be posting more on this later, who knows.

Christmas? Over, done, thank the Lord. Got a bunch of stuff, won't use any of it. Went to Taylors that night though, that was cool.

I've had the idea for this crazy cool song stuck in my head all week at the fireworks stand, now I'm trying to remember it all.

"This will be my resolution, everyday is New Years Day..."
-Carolyn Arends (old old school)

Alright, I'm done for now, I leave you with the complete lyrics to New Year's Project. Enjoy.


Your hands didn't move
Well neither did mine
New Years will bring so much to say
But nothing comes out right
Both of us left without words
Both of us lost in this world
It's softer than ever before

And you were the outline
Of everything you would become
The keeper of these hands to hold you now
It is a far cry more than anything that I deserve

I'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring
I'd give you my life, cause I don't own anything
It seemed like the bottom was all that I had until now
I'd give you my life if you'd give me yours somehow

Your hands didn't move
Neither did mine
New Years will bring me to you

I'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring
I'd give you my life, cause I don't own anything
It seemed like the bottom was all that I had until now
I'd give you my life if you'd give me yours somehow...